How to triumph the SALE season, staying sane.

This has been, by far, my most successful SALE season yet. And I want you dear reader(s), to have as much success as I did. And for that you cannot come unready. My essential tips, my SALE Dos and Don'ts, are all you need. Of course, I could give you the whole lowdown on how to tackle a SALE, but my boss says no one reads copy, so find here the sparknotes version of the plan. You cannot improvise, and you are advised to pay attention to the stuff I mention within brackets. Shall we?

And before we get into the whole SALE thing, little something on SALE etiquettes -
Be polite at all times. With everyone. The staff is under immense pressure. When the salesgirl says, size 8 isn't available. Believe her.
Do a little bit calculation on your own before you head to the billing counter. With so many discounts, broken tags and hundreds of irate customers around, the poor chap might just get the total figure wrong. If you spot a mistake, again politely point that out.
Thing is don't be a bully. Not even if you discover your current size is tad tight.
Play nice.

Day 1 & Day 2 of the SALE. Go, no matter how busy you are, call in sick, fake a headache, whatever, just go. Yeah, yeah right... it's a month long SALE, still go. Pick your top 3 favorite outlets, that you frequent the most. And 3 stores you haven't been to in a while.

You don't buy anything on the first day. Nothing at all. You observe and absorb. Only that and a whole lot of that. You walk the aisles and the floors, more than once. Of course, the time spent on each floor depends on what gets you lusting... alright, so you do this until you are about to collapse. You might want to take a break here, a quick refuel at the in-store coffee place [do not step out, we don't want any distractions here.] Once re-fueled, repeat the observe and absorb part. This is when your list of 6 stores gets down to 3. The 3 stores that make it to your list, will be judged on -

• The discounts [knock off the stores that mostly offer a measly 10 per cent]
• The collection, does the store have what you wear? [nothing explains buying a fuchsia tights, not unless you are 7 or kate moss, and not even if its 70 per cent off]
• The size, does the store have the stuff you like in your size? Always buy your current size [size 4 isn't happening, not anytime soon, certainly not until the next SALE season]

You spend the next 3-4 days not in the malls but in the closet. [do not whine, you'd realize this is the most essential step]. You make a mental note of what you need.

You enter the buying phase, armed with the knowledge of what you need and where [the store, the floor, the shelf] to find it. [you'd argue, SALE was never about buying what you need, it's about splurging... WRONG, it's about what you need and never about what you might need.]

Now, onto buying, the easy part -
If you like something [like really, really, really like something], buy it, even if it's just 10 per cent discounted. [do not confuse it with the measly 10 per cent, I mentioned previously that's about the store selection, you are at one of listed stores, so can't go wrong here.]. Do not wait for it to be marked down any further. Your size will be gone. Buy what you really like, now.

If you are on the fence about something [the colour, the fit, the style or anything] do NOT buy it. [not even at 70 per cent off]. You are never going to use it or wear it. Do NOT buy it.

Buying jeans during the SALE season? I would rather steer clear. I am not sure whether it's just my thing, but jeans are better off being bought when you have all the trial rooms to yourself, it can never be a rush buy. Meaning, you can try 29 different jeans before finally buying one [now, I don't exactly try 29 jeans :-O]. I have bought marked down jeans thrice and now, I have no clue where they are.

Shoes, are another SALE buy that I am a little skeptical about. Sometimes it works, mostly it doesn't. The mad heaps of shoes that the stores put up is an absolute no-no.

However, this is a great time to buy a bag. But, just because you don't have to queue up outside the trial room, be careful, you may tend to go over board. Stick to one casual, one formal and one party. Okay, make it two casual, two formal and one party. But no more.

Buying books on discount has never worked for me, but, but those lovely pricey foreign magazines can be bought for almost nothing.

Miscellaneous stuff like – linen, kitchenware, curios etcetera – buy them, only if you like them and use them. A note about collecting curios – if you are like me and don't like the idea of turning your living room into a showroom/museum, be careful: These are dangerous times.

So you have shopped smart. Now, lie low. For the next ten days. Arrange your closets, again. Look around the house. Observe and absorb.

Then on the last week of the SALE. Venture again. Also, to the stores you hadn't shopped during your round 1 of shopping. Buy, only if you spot an absolute gem. Nothing else. You are done.

You may now smile giddily.

It is the best of times; it is the worst of times.

And yeah it was the age of wisdom and the age of foolishness. What does the season of SALE do to you? It gets the worst out in me. The evil, nasty, selfish, rude and wily self, the one that I keep under wraps, most months of the year. Case in point - I race with fragile strangers to reach that lone M shirt. I push the kids away en route to the 50% off section. And yeah as I stand in the 50m long queue outside the trial room I swear. That’s not all, the possessed me also screams at sales girls [which is swear I never do] when my alternations aren’t done, or when a promised shoe in my size isn’t found. Yes, it gets ugly. And at the end of the whole SALE season I feel very sorry for myself and whosoever crossed my path. My loot makes me happy but it leaves me with such a bitter feeling.

These are also the times when I get incredibly stupid, the times when I lose the sense of balance. And the memory of a depleted bank account suddenly vanishes. I buy a certain t-shirt in 4 different colours, do you ask, why? Because I like t-shirts. Because I like colours. Because it’s on sale. I buy a bag. Then I buy another, and then maybe another one, as I see 50 percent drop to 70 per cent. I do so because I like bags. Because I have a thing for bags. Because I have many things to keep in those bags. And because I am getting them cheap. Yes, moments of ‘oh it’s a steal!’ leave me happy and satiated but it also leaves me disoriented.

It could be momentary lapse of reason. Could be good ol’ greed. Or most probably in my case, could be a seasonal loss of memory, reasoning, intelligence and graciousness. Yes, the season of light, the season of darkness is upon us.

So long. And sorry for all the haggling.

'T-shirt ka 200 rupees madam'
'200 rupees? Kya baat kar rahe ho'
'Quality dheko madam, whole market me just single piece. Designer item hai madam'
'150 last, bas dena hai ke nahi bolo?'
'180'
'Nahi, bola na 150'
'madam 170,
'Nahi, 160, jaldi bolo, late ho raha hai'
Okay madam, le lo, 160'

Happiness.

I've grown up believing bargaining to be a time-honoured tradition. We (my friends, my mother, aunts and I) often take pride in admitting to who haggles the best. 'What kind of lousy shopper are you, giving the vendor whatever he asks for', my friends and I would scream at the non-haggler in our group. The best one would find herself invited to important flea-market shopping sprees.

I have bargained everywhere, for everything possible. And in every language – the polite Hindi, the rude Hindi, Bengali, English, English with Tamil accent, English with Punjabi accent and in pitiable Tamil. And I have also mastered, what I call the smart haggler attitude(s). Now, this is a tricky one, you got to decide on your attitude only after you have selected your shopkeeper. And no, you never feel bad for the shopkeeper. Look at it this way, if he is ready to sell a 450 Rupees skirt for 130 Rupees, he is certainly making a good profit. Now, about the attitude(s) – there's a 'Not interested but I'll buy it if I get it at my price' attitude, then there's an 'Interested but I'll buy it if I get it at my price' attitude, then the most common one 'Look I'm interested you're interested may the best man' win attitude.

Appreciation for a good bargain is one thing, being fanatic about it is quite another. Someone I know bargains so bad that she never goes to a shop twice. Lest she is booed at or chased away. I haven't been that bad, but bad nonetheless. None of these any more, it's time for redemption.

I have spent a thousand rupees on a flimsy pair of slippers, just for that swoosh. I have spent two hundred rupees on a bar of soap for its sleek packaging. I have spent a couple of hundreds for 100 ml of moisturizer, that promises me lavender. And even more on stuff that I never wore.

So, to all Bhaias and Unclejis of Atta market, Sarojni Nagar, Janpath, New market, Park Street, T Nagar, Beasant Nagar, Ooty Mall Road, Lokhandwala, Bandra, General Bazaar, MG Road, Brigade Road and the rest... I am sorry.