i don't handle 'thank you' all that well.

i turn deep red because i feel my cheeks flush, my face does a funny thing. my arms spread out aimlessly and then come together soon enough,  i fumble for words, often repeating what the other person just said, and quite often i do say thanks in response to the thanks said by that other person. this is how it goes - giggle/nervous laughter, "oh okay thanks.." more annoying giggle. :-|
yes more often than not that's how i respond to that beautiful kind word. and it's not that i detest the word, on the contrary, i use it quite a lot, perhaps more than i should.sometimes a little too condescending maybe [i am working on it].
so, when i am so generous with my -  thanks, much thanks, thank you, thanks a lot, oh thanks, thanky and its other variants, i wonder why i do such a sloppy job of accepting one. does it say something about my personality? some disorder? should i be dissecting my thank you-guilt? is it that i feel undeserving of that tiny gratitude?
i am not fond of 'you are welcome', i find it boring and not genuine. it is of course better than my nervous giggle routine, but is kind of too spontaneous to be heartfelt, it seems like the expected thing to do once someone thanks you. i often want to say more than 'you are welcome' and i want to say like i mean it.

i wish to be gracious, i wish to just smile and say - oh that's alright/anytime/my pleasure. or even just a smile would do too. let me begin with the smile... the words can come letter. a simple smile, honest smile that says, yes i loved doing that for you, and i absolutely would want to do it again. how difficult can that be? 


does anyone remember 'mention not'? yes, that might reveal the period you were born in...